The Unfortunate Events Of A West Van Girl

The Unfortunate Events Of A West Van Girl

By; Heather Park

                One morning a west van girl wakes up and she does not wake up feeling like P-Diddy. She then continues to search for her newest Apple iPhone, but breaks down to tears because the battery life has gone down to 30% due to the fact that she could not locate her Mac charger, therefore she was not able to charge it. As she thinks that her day could not get worse, her already unevenly applied nail polish on her right index finger gets chipped exactly 0.227 millimetres as she is frantically attempting at straightening her platinum blonde hair extensions with her $2350 gold plated hair straightener.

                Later on in the day, as she is being driven to her prestigious private school in her father’s 2012 Aston Martin, the engine unfortunately falters. She is then forced to be driven to school by her Filipino nanny in her 2006 Honda Civic, with is nearly as low class as wearing clothing from Old Navy, or going to a public swimming pool. Once inside the car, she can smell the stench of old car on the seats, and the creaky seatbelts are like nails on a chalkboard to her ears. When it is finally time to exit the car in the parking lot, she feels so desperate that she could almost even put a paper bag over her head; but just almost.  

                Upon her entrance, the school is full of whispers and scrutinizing looks and glares. Tens of thousands of thoughts pop up in her head. She wonders if they saw her coming to school in her nanny’s 2006 Honda Civic, or if they had already noticed the 0.227mm chip on the nail of her right index finger. Or perhaps, there was something terribly sinful that she was wearing or doing, that she was yet oblivious of such as a slightly visible extension or maybe her teeth were not the correct shade of pearl. Just as her precious brain was on the verge of explosion, she overheard a few jocks whispering about her patch of skin on her left shoulder which was half a shade lighter than the rest of her otherwise flawless arm.

As soon as she realized this tragic fact, she bounded to the gold and crystal tiled restroom and broke down to tears. Although she wanted to spill two gallons of tears, but was forced to stop because her Dior mascara would run down her perfectly peachy cheeks. She would wait until she was driven, hopefully in her daddy’s Aston Martin back home, and then tweet about her tragic happenings through her Mac, which her nanny would have charged.